Love: looking through a different view

Ganito pala ang feeling, When your'e really in love. Back then, I always thought that love is all happiness, all laughter, that when your'e in love, the world will be much brighter, more colorful.

But I guess I'm wrong.

I always pray. Every time I have an opportunity to talk to Him, I always do. Lagi ko tinatanong si God, bakit kailangan nya pa iparamdam sa akin na masaktan dahil sa pagmamahal, Dahil ba may ginawa akong mali dati na gusto nyang iparamdam sakin kung gaano kasakit yung mapunta sa ganon na sitwasyon? Or Is it because I haven't learned the lesson that's why I keep going and going back to the same scenario? Isn't it enough that I realized what I have done wrong, that I learn from the mistakes my friends did when it comes to love?

Tapos, dun ko narealize... baka hindi naman yun yung lesson na gusto ni God na matutunan ko. It might be something else. Something out of the box.

He does not want me to learn from hurting much, He does not want me to realize how hurtful things are so I won't do such things, He does not want me to realize all the mistakes I have done in the past. He wants me to know what love means. Despite of all the hurting, he wants me to know what love is capable of. He wants me to know how to find love when my eyes can only see just hatred, pain and suffering.

Ang puso tumitibok lang yan, nag su-supply ng dugo sa ibat ibang parte ng katawan, walang kinalaman sa kung anu man ang nararamdaman ng tao. utak. utak ang nagdidikta nito. Tama na we fall in love, and we don't choose who to fall in love with. Our choice is when to let ourselves fall in love. So sa huli utak parin ang may sala. Tayo pa din ang nag dedecide.

Unconditional love. A love that's not asking anything in return.

Minsan nagmahal ako. Sa isang tao na hindi ko aakalain na mamahalin ko... Matagal tagal ko din nilabanan ang sinasabi ng utak ko,.

"Hindi pagmamahal yan, lagi lang kayo magkasama kaya ganyan nararamdaman mo"

"Sa kanya mo lang kasi nakukuha yung affection na hindi maibigay sayo nung taong nang-iwan sayo"

"Baliw ka na. Bulag ka pa. OK ka lang ba? masama na ang tama mo dude"

Until, Inamin ko na sa sarili ko na, Shit! iba na to. Pero natakot ako, ayaw ko na masaktan ulit eh. 3 months palang nakakalipas, naalala ko pa kung paano ako nagpaka wasted dahil sa letseng pagmamahal na yan. Pero anong magagawa ko? andyan na eh. kaya mo pa bang pigilan?

Pero anong nangyare? I got the best situation ever sa buong buhay ko. It did not turn out good. kasi may ka-relationship sya. They really love each other at masaya talaga sila sa feeling ng isa't isa. Taena, masakit pala marinig yun lalo na kung alam mong hindi ikaw ang nakakapag pasaya sa kanya. Nung una, I was really challenged, Hindi ko inisip na hanggang dun nalang yun... Mahal ko eh, syempre ipaglalaban ko yun. until one good friend told me:

"Masaya ka ba sa ginagawa mo? Mahal nila ang isa't isa oh, Paano kung sayo mangyari yun? masaya kayo, tapos may biglang aagaw sa taong gusto mo? anong mararamdaman mo?"

Oo nga, may point sya. Kahit na mahal na mahal ko na yung taong yun, magiging masaya ba ako kung malaman ko na may nasaktan ako kung naging kami? hindi rin siguro. saka bukod dun, kaibigan ko yun eh. Matutuwa ba ako kung makita ko syang malungkot o magkaaway sila dahil sakin? Lalong hindi.

Dun ko naintindihan ang isang side ng pag-ibig. Being unselfish. Siguro for the longest time naging selfish ako, iniisip ko lang kung anong gusto ko at hindi ko narerealize na kailangan ko din I-consider ang feelings ng iba. Kung masaya naman sila and walang problema let them be... Be happy for them. At least masaya sya, Maging masaya ka nalang na masaya siya.

"Dati, I always ask God na Ibigay ka sa akin, kasi mahal kita. Pero ngayon, I always ask God na Ibigay sayo kung ano ang makapag papasaya sayo... kahit ang ibig sabihin nun hindi ako ang ibibigay nya... for the same reason, kasi mahal kita."

Eto ang gusto ko (This is what I love)

"Minsan, kailangan mo tumigil para malaman mo kung gaano na kalayo ang narating mo. Para alam mo rin kung kailangan mo bang lumiko pabalik o magpatuloy..."

Pero medyo sentimental ako pagdating sa mga bagay na gusto ko. Pag gusto ko ang ginagawa ko, binibigyan ko yon ng panahon. Oras. at ng A for effort. Pero minsan, hindi natin alam na sa sobra nating pagkagusto sa isang bagay, nahihirapan na tayo na ihiwalay ang pagka gusto at pagka humaling. Obsession ika nga.

Ganun kasi ako, when I value something, kahit na hobby, interest and even people... Sinisigurado ko na it's well emphasized.

Hindi ko masyado iniisip kung may makukuha ba ako in the long run, or I would just go ahead and waste my time. lagi ko kasi iniisip na "at least, I did my best. No what ifs, no Regrets". Kasi, hindi ko na mababalikan yung mga bagay na yon. pag pinalampas mo, baka hindi ka na magkaroon ng second chance.

Marami na akong pinakawalan na opportunities before, mga bagay na may what ifs pa din ako until now. Mga decisions na irreversible. Like when I was back in highschool, kailangan ko mag-decide what course to take.

Fine Arts? Computer Science? Biology? Nursing? Architecture?

Marami talaga ang pumasok sa isip ko nun, pero it all boils down to two options: Nursing and Fine Arts. Fine arts kasi yun ang hilig ko, mag drawing, sketching and anything that involves art. Creative is a word that's all over me. Masaya ako na kayang gawin ng mga kamay ko ang kung anong nasa isip ko. With proper education, I believe malayo ang mararating ng talent ko. Pero kailangan ko ba talaga pag-aralan ang isang bagay na alam ko nang gawin? Bagay na alam kong mas may edge ako sa iba? That's why I took Nursing. Anyway, Nursing is an art sabi nga nila. :)

Nakakatuwa isipin at balikan. Paano kaya kung nag Fine arts ako? ano na kaya ang ginagawa ko ngayon? Nagkaroon na kaya ako ng sarili kong exhibit? Ilang paintings na kaya ang naibenta ko?

International Artist na rin kaya ako? Magkakaroon rin kaya ako ng controversial paintings na pwede na i-exhibit sa CCP?

Pero kahit na maraming tanong ang nasa isip ko na hindi ko man mabigyan ng kasagutan, I always tell myself:

• Kung ibang choices ang pinili ko sa buhay, hindi ko makikila ang mga college friends ko malamang.
• Hindi ko malalaman kung gaano ka toxic ang buhay ng isang nurse.
• Hindi ko malalaman na pwede palang uminom ng anti-allergy meds to induce sleep. :))
• Hindi ko ma-eexperience magpa-anak ng limang buntis sa loob ng isang gabi.
• Malamang hindi ko nakilala ang mga kaibigan ko ngayon sa trabaho.
• Malamang hindi rin ako nagsusulat ng blog entry ngayon. ♥

Kaya whatever I do, sini-sugurado ko ngayon na I clearly express that I love what I'm doing. Para walang pagsisi sa huli, at least magsisi man ako, alam ko na yun ang pinili ko, hindi dahil yun ang gusto ng kung sino man.

Oo, may ginagawa ako ngayon na nakakapagpasaya sa akin, may patutunguhan ba ito? Ewan ko at kung wala man, walang sino man ang may karapatan pumigil sa akin. Yun ang gusto ko, at yun ang gagawin ko, dahil dun ako masaya. Walang pakialamanan, kanya kanyang trip lang yan.

Gets?

Ash Wednesday

I needed to go to church. After all that's been happening to me lately, I badly need to get some divine guidance. I almost forgot that it is Ash Wednesday today. The day that marks the start of Lent. I quickly got off the bed, took a shower and put on a shirt and a pair of jeans. It was half past seven at night when I left home. It only took me fifteen minutes to get to the nearest church - Saint Andrew's Cathedral. I am not the most religious person you'll ever meet but, I sure know how to pray. Plus, I fear God. And, when I have something bothering me, that I can't tell my parents or my colleagues, I talk to God.

The church is almost filled with people on all walks of life, but most of the crowd are students, still in their uniforms. Probably from the school across the street. I scan the place, looking for a vacant seat I can take, not far from where I was standing, I saw one. I still have some time to talk to God while the mass hasn't started yet.

Sorry. It's been a while.

I got too busy thinking of other things.

and oh, thanks. Sending me angels every now and then,

It really helps me a lot.

and I hope I've done my job being other's angel as well.

Right before I start asking about guidance, the mass started. I took the mass as usual, and then when the priest started talking about the disciplines needed taken this Lent, my whole attention was caught. Sharing. Sacrifice. Prayer.

Sharing. A word that I forgot what the real meaning is. I share but have I shared enough? what's right? with the right one?

Sacrifice. The priest asked about fasting. It's not about the food, it's not all about the food. It was leaning away from the human pleasures that you enjoy the most. It made me think, does it mean materials things in life? or could it be people as well? people you enjoy being with? Individuals that you look forward to everyday? Temptation to whatever sins the devil has prepared for you? What am I willing to sacrifice?

Prayer. Whenever you feel that temptation is just in front of you, ready for you to grab it, hold your hands together and pray. The priest said, "Remember, the devil will do everything to tempt you. and you cannot fight alone, you need God by your side, the only way to ask help is to pray"

That's it. I always thought I am alone.

That I am so little in this huge world.

I forgot I have God with me.

I know what I'll sacrifice. and I'll hold onto it

not just to show that I have discipline.

This is to show that I am no pushover

I can be firm and I can stand by my decision.

I left the church with my questions answered. Most of the time, the world gives you just a gist of everything. It wouldn't tell you all, it's up for you to find out. The world has no place for cowards. You can be afraid but, you should avoid being coward. People can be so mean sometimes, you wouldn't see it unless you open your eyes. Because most of the time, we are blinded by whatever expectations we have. They can be so mean not because its their nature, it's because we let them do this to us. And I'm tired of it.

I got home with a smile on my face, God never failed to answer my questions every time. Which brings me to a line I once heard inside the church,

"When you asked for something, the Lord will not give it to you instantly. Instead, He will give you a chance, for you to get it. Now, it's up to you how you will achieve your desire."

Immortality

"It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again." - Phoenix, definition.

After being withered, broken and defeated, Here I am again. Starting to spread the wings of hope, ready to fly. Life is full of mysterious cycle that hardly anyone could ever get out of. Well, I'm one of those unlucky few who keeps on stumbling my way back to this endless maze.

But have I had enough? I don't think so.

Life could be tough, and believe me it gets tougher everyday. You can't just weep, or for crying out loud, look miserable for the rest of the world to see. If something tough gets in your way, fight.

Why would I quit? If I can rest.

With whatever was left inside of me, that ember that's struggling to keep me warm? I will use it to rebuild a new empire of desire that will keep burning until eternity.

So for all those who thinks quitting is the solution to whatever life is punching you with, your'e wrong. Because just like the phoenix, problems are immortal - It dies and it gives birth to another one. So if your not going to keep up with it, you'll just probably end up getting burned.

Everything is a choice, and I chose to live with it and move on. ♥